What is it about deciding to live outside your own little world that seems to make the trials of life magnified? As if a washer never broke before? As if a tire never went flat? As if life never threw you a curve ball before when you were expecting a seriously different outcome.
Nearly a year ago I began a new phase of my walk with God. I've lived the Christian life for well over a decade. I've had some set backs, fell into old habits and just made some really stupid choices. However, sometime last summer, I volunteered to give my testimony during the summer session of our Sunday School class at church. I had enjoyed hearing how God was working in the lives of others, and wanted to share the things God was doing with me. Looking back, I had no idea the way God was really working. I had such a small, inward view. Had I known what He was leading me to, I probably would have been scared beyond all belief.
The week leading up to my testimony, I went over and over in my mind what I would talk about. I had planned to share some things, but definitely, leave out a few others. I mean, after all, this was church. Even though God had delivered me, there was still a part of me that said "there are some things you just don't discuss in Sunday School". Then God intervened. He wrecked my nice little path. He showed up and I was in shock. The night before church, I began to write. I wrote for several hours. I wrote things that I didn't want to share, but felt like I needed to share. I wanted to be transparent so that God's power could be seen for what it really was.
Towards the end of my testimony, I briefly shared something particularly painful for me. A part of my past that I would do anything to take back. A part of my past, that even though I am forgiven, I still carry with me. A part of my past that I had PLANNED to take to my grave. Several years ago, I had an abortion.
Until the moment that I let those words come out, that single act followed me around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Whenever I would volunteer for something at church, I would hear the voice in my head "Oh, you'd like to help with Sunday School? That's nice, but what about the baby you killed. Murderer. Oh, you want to be a woman of integrity? Murderer. Liar. Oh, you want to give your whole life to God and let Him work through you? Murderer. Liar. Hippocrit.".
The voices never stopped. Sometimes they were quiet and easy to get rid of. Sometimes the voice stayed in my head for days. Sometimes, I listened and agreed. Sometimes, I fought back. Most days, it was a losing battle. The truth is, that I knew I would NEVER be free of the past, if I could not learn to be open about it. Silence feeds shame. Shame keeps us from living the redeemed life. Shame tells us we have messed up too much to be of use. Shame tells us we will never be good enough. Shame is a lie. If silence feeds shame, then being open and honest defeats shame. It starves the shame. We no longer have to hide a part of us. We are free. Oh sure, the old thoughts still come, but we know they are lies and we combat them head on.
So what does this have to do with my broken washer, bad alignment and a well that won't pump. It has EVERYTHING to do with these trials of life. You see, my abortion and my own journey of healing sparked something in me. I began reading blogs, personal stories and researching the statistics for abortion. 55 million and counting. When I stopped to think about that number, combined with the shame and guilt that more often than not follow an abortion, I realized how many women, even in our small communities, have abortion as a part of their past. Many nights of prayer and the ongoing Kermit Gosnell trial sparked a desire in my heart to jump head first into the pro-life movement. Over the next few months, what started as desire to provide a post-abortive Bible study to local women gave birth to something much bigger. I shared my desire with a few people. Those people led me to a few others and that led me to the Kansans For Life. Just a few weeks after that, I found myself standing in front of 25 or so local people who desired to learn more about the pro-life movement. Several weeks later, a planning meeting for how we could speak out for LIFE in our area. A short time later, I was invited to speak in front of a group in Emporia. This Sunday, I will be speaking at a church. You see, my plan was a Bible study. That's not a bad plan, in fact, it's a great plan. We need to study the word, grow and heal. But that's where my plan ended and God's plan began.
Anyone who has ever decided to really give God control of their life and actively seek ways to make a difference in the lives of others, knows that the trials of life often seem an overwhelming enemy. Things like a broken washer can throw your whole week off track as you are trying to prepare for a group meeting. Realizing that your brand new, less than 6 month old tires are RUINED because you need a front end alignment, can cause you to worry, instead of praying because you are scheduled to speak in another town, and thoughts of car problems flood your head. Things like planning out a garden for months so you can feed your family healthy food and stay on budget but finding that your well needs major repair work to function, well, those can cause you to have a nice little pity party because after all, don't you deserve a break??
Today in my kitchen though, I mentally reviewed all of the things that have gone on, I realized that God does not want me to let life's trials get me off track and forget what His purpose is for me. The reality is, that life will always be unpredictable. Washers will break. Cars and wells will need maintenance.In the bigger scheme of things, these things simply do not matter. I mean, they matter, I don't really want to wash the clothes of 8 people with soap and a scrub board, but I would if I had to. But when it comes down to it, at the end of my life, no one will stand at my funeral and talk of the day when my washer broke. No one will care about my car problems. No one will be discussing the state of my well. What I hope, what I desire, is that people will talk of my love for God and how I showed that to others. I desire people to talk of my past in a way that says "Look at the power of our God, she was so very lost, yet look what God did through her in those she knew". What I desire is that people will talk of how I raised up my children to be Godly not only in words, but through action.
Deciding to follow God doesn't stop the trials of life from coming. But when they happen, we don't have to be stuck in sorrow and confusion. We can live out what Paul talks about in Philippians 4:4-7:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
In the midst of my broken appliances and old beater of a van, as I stood doing the dishes at a sink that leaks and gets the floor wet if I forget to empty the bucket, I stood there rejoicing! I thanked God for what He has done in me and what He is doing through me. I rejoiced in who He is and what His death on the cross means to me. I rejoiced and went over these verses in my head:
I
know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I
have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:12-13
What a powerful things God gives us: peace in life's storms, the feeling of contentment in all situations, and to know, that above all else, no matter what we've done, we're never disqualified from the power and healing of the cross.
